I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
