There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
