The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
