DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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