Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
