listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
