youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill