I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral