Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.