His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
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It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding