The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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