I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
