my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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