Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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