my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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