found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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