i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
