I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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