we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
