chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
