I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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