I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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