The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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