from now on my penis is your penis
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
