Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my shit smells like andre
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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