I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
