??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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