i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Who died my cat blue again?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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