You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
