i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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