So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
