and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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