i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
