Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
