Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
