I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
