my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize