it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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