I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?