Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.