If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
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also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.