I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Randomize
