You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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