Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I need water and some morals
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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