White coat. Heels.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
