My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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