so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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