last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
