i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
