Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
