Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
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I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
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Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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