I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
