his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im holly from the hills drunk
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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