don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
