non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
