WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
