i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
