I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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