Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
