Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
