I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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