I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize