He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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