It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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