he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
