Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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