so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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