the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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