I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
